If It Came In A Bottle

         In January of this year, Mike signed up for a program at his place of employment called Mission SlimPossible. So cute, right? Many months have passed since that fated day, and Mike has lost close to forty pounds! He looks and feels great. The program finished in May, but Mike does not want the weight to creep back on him. So he joined the next program at work which is a sprint triathlon. This involves training up until September when the event is scheduled to take place.

        

Mikey did it!

At first the training was easy enough because, for Mike, it involved getting equipment and do-dads. Mike had his ancient bike refurbished – we tried to give the bike away last year with no takers, and suddenly this summer Mike is riding it! Amazon started delivering packages with swim goggles and bike shorts (ooh la la!), swim trunks and running shoes with the toes in them, and then, of course, socks with toes in them, and more socks with toes in them. This week some plugs that you put in each end of the handlebars on the bike arrived in the mailbox. Getting stuff is always fun.

         But then there is the other part of the training - the actual bike riding, swimming, and running for the triathlon. That’s all daunting! Mike decided to join a gym so he could do laps in the pool and build up the stamina needed for the 300 yards stint of the triathlon. There is a facility a mile from our house, so one Sunday a couple of weeks ago, we walked to the gym together. Mike was signing up for a membership and then going swimming.

         The lobby of the gym was open to the weights area – lots of equipment, and there were quite a few folks working out. I was suddenly overcome with an image from long ago. I was transported back in time to a living room and the television running a commercial with Cher for Holiday Spa. Googling now, the commercial was more exactly, Jack Lalanne Holiday Spa, and the year was 1985. Cher made a few ads for Holiday, but the one I was thinking of on that recent Sunday afternoon was the one with Cher’s hair cut super short and dyed blonde. She is most noted for her long dark tresses. But in the commercial with the blonde hair, Cher was working the weights and talking in a normal, non-I’m out of breath from this heavy exercising voice, about how we too could look like her if we worked out at the Holiday Spa. And at the end of this particular commercial, Cher said, “If it came in a bottle, we’d all have great bodies.” I could not find this on YouTube today, but did see a version that starts with a similar quote, “Getting blonde was easy. Getting this body wasn’t.”

         Mike headed toward the pool, and I told him I’d walk to the mall across the street. I do not want to join the gym with him! I had to go up a small hill to get out of the parking lot. It was very hot. The sun was beating down. I was already sweaty from the walk we had just taken. And all I could think while trudging up that incline was “if it came in a bottle, we’d all have great bodies!”

I walked around the inside of the mall – stepping to the beat of “if it came in a bottle, we’d all have great bodies!” I was hot, sweating, frustrated. That commercial was thirty-three years ago! And we are still working hard, still hoping for great bodies.

And why haven’t we figured out how to get great bodies from a bottle?

If humanity doubles the discovery of information every ten years, then, heck, we should have a formula for great bodies by now!

Mike texted when he finished, and I walked back to the gym. I stomped to the rhythm of “I bet these days even Cher wishes it came in a bottle. I bet even Cher wishes it came in a bottle! If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body!” He didn’t even notice my bitter mood. Mike was wiped out from his swim. The walk home was hot. We were sweaty. We were tired. And, we trudge on. Because, you know, we still have hopes for bodies we like someday. And those great bodies don’t come in a bottle, yet.

022 20180628 If It Came In A Bottle